My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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