You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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