morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You ate ashes out of my bong
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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