babies were throwing up all over the place
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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