Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
