My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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