Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
