I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
