My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
