fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
