too bad you live with your parents still
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
