god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
