he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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