It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
