watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
