bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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