After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
not ubering you a puppy
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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