two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
