I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
