I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
