Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
