I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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