I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
