Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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