Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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