neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
