I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
