I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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