I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
