Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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