I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
