Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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