I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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