I can text with my tongue
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
