He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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