Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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