This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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