I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
