My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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