He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
