I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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