The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
