Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
