either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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