What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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