broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
