Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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