I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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