The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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