you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
