I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Randomize
