she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
4 words: hood of his car
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
