Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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