Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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