he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
