life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
