i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize