I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
