We won't sleep together?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
