I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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