Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
