I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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