what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
NoShamevember. You game?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
