when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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