totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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