my phone needs a breathalizer
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
