I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Randomize
