Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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