I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
