The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
