Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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