Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
