So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize