He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
